Tag: Life coaching

If you never say ‘No’ …

~ Jennifer Barraclough ~ 2 Comments
If you never say ‘no’, what is your ‘yes’ worth? I heard this wise saying from one of my first teachers in the art of holistic healing, and have often passed it on to clients who find it hard to protect themselves against unwelcome demands and intrusions. 


Problems which arise from this inability to set personal boundaries can include neglect of personal needs and desires, tiredness from overwork, and feelings of victimhood, martyrdom or resentment often concealed by a polite facade.


Some people who cannot say ‘No’ to the demands of others hold the belief that being ill is the only valid reason to claim care and attention for themselves. There is even a theory that illness can develop primarily for this reason. Whether or not that is true, such a mindset can certainly prolong recovery. This would happen through unconscious mind-body mechanisms and is not deliberate malingering.


Two key Bach flower remedies to be considered for the ‘yes-person’ are Centaury and Walnut. Centaury is for those so eager to please others that they agree to each and every request. Walnut is for those who are unduly sensitive to outside influences and therefore easily distracted from their chosen path in life. Other flowers might be indicated for the secondary consequences, such as Elm for feeling overburdened with responsibilites, Olive for exhaustion, Willow for self-pity, or Holly for hostility towards others.
Practical aids to setting boundaries include such simple steps as shutting your door or turning off your phone when you do not want interruptions, and limiting the period you are willing to spend on certain activities. You may also need to practice techniques for saying ‘No’ without causing offence, or being worried about doing so. This can be done firmly and politely without having to give detailed reasons or apologies. 
 
 

Retirement – road to freedom

~ Jennifer Barraclough ~ Leave a comment

I had a long talk with a friend who is reluctantly having to consider early retirement because of a chronic illness. Hoping to bring some encouragement into this difficult situation I reflected on how my own life has developed since retiring from my career in orthodox medicine in my early 50s – the same age my friend is now.

My decision to retire was made by choice, and largely for positive reasons, and therefore a far less traumatic experience than if it had been enforced by sickness or redundancy. All the same it involved significant change and loss, with big drops in both income and status.

It took time to adjust, and to create a new way of life. My husband and I moved to New Zealand, where most people we met had little knowledge or interest in what we might have achieved career-wise back in the UK. Relationships and activities had to be based on personal qualities, rather than position and qualifications and an existing network.

I extended my studies of holistic healing – discovered the challenges and rewards of being self-employed – returned to choral singing and music lessons after a lapse of 40 years – started writing on a wider range of topics – became more involved with animal welfare – made new friends – had more time for leisure and entertainment – and my fitness and energy improved. Some activities were planned, some presented out of the blue.

I do still miss my old job now and then, and occasionally get the feeling that I ‘ought to be doing something useful’ – though I have learned that there are many valuable ways of contributing to the world besides working directly in a caring profession.

But overall my experience has been positive, and I am glad to have been able to retire while still young enough to start afresh. What I value most is the freedom – being able to do what I choose without being accountable to authority or hampered by bureaucracy – and, by no means least, not having to get up so early in the mornings any more.

Life’s Labyrinth

~ Jennifer Barraclough ~ Leave a comment

I’ve just published my first e-book!

Life’s Labyrinth: the path and the purpose

Were you born with a spiritual purpose? Do you have free will to choose your path through life? How can you best find happiness and fulfillment? This book does not claim to answer these questions, but gives a practical framework for exploring them. The text is illustrated by many true life stories, drawn from interviews and correspondence with about 40 people from New Zealand and the UK.

It’s published on Smashwords.com and you can find the details, read a free sample or buy the whole book through this link.

Thanks to everyone who contributed to this project which has taken several years to complete.

Self-responsibility for healing?

~ Jennifer Barraclough ~ Leave a comment

Many self-help teachers claim that ‘you are 100% responsible for everything in your life’ and that ‘you create your own reality’ through your emotions, thoughts, beliefs and behaviour.  Though not everyone would accept such statements as literally true, there is no doubt that a person’s mental outlook makes a huge difference to the way they perceive and deal with their world.

Research studies show that those who believe they have a large measure of choice and control over their own lives tend to be healthier and happier than those with a more passive approach. This works through a combination of better self-care, with diet and exercise for example, and direct mind-body relationships. Self-responsibility is a key feature in most cases of remarkable recovery from cancer or other serious disease. But there is a fine dividing line between self-responsibility and self-blame, which makes people feel guilty about having become sick or failed to recover. After all an illness may be at least partly due to factors which are beyond personal control, such as genetic makeup or exposure to passive smoking. In many cases the cause is not known.

This said, a sense of self-responsibility can certainly enable improved coping with difficulties, as illustrated by the story of one recent client of mine. In the past few years she had faced huge challenges including the diagnosis and treatment of cancer, divorce, loss of her home and the need to start supporting herself financially in her late 50s. Not surprisingly she often felt low and anxious, and to make things worse had fallen into a pattern of feeling sorry for herself and looking on the negative side of things. For example rather than giving herself credit for having completed a training course and obtained a first job in her chosen field, she continually complained about the irritations at her place of work.

According to the Law of Attraction, if we focus on what is wrong with ourselves and our lives, we are likely to draw even more unwanted things into our experience. Negative feelings are a natural response to adversity and it is helpful to acknowledge and express them. It is not helpful to get stuck in them. Looking for positive aspects to appreciate in the present, and imagining more of these in the future, can be the key to turning them around.

I gave this client a mixture of several Bach flower remedies to deal with different aspects of her case but the one most relevant to today’s post is Willow. Dr Edward Bach recommended this remedy ‘for those who have suffered adversity and misfortune and find these difficult to accept without complaint or resentment … feel that they have not deserved so great a trial, that it was unjust … ‘ The Willow remedy helps such people to move away from the victim role and take control of their own destiny.

When my client came for followup she looked transformed for the better. She had made a shift towards self-responsibility by using both visualisation exercises and practical actions to further her long-term goal of developing her own business. Meanwhile she was being proactive about improving her present work conditions, and balancing her lifestyle with some new leisure activities. She wanted to take an active part in selecting the contents of her next bottle of remedies, which is to be encouraged with this therapy because according to the Bach Foundation’s code of practice, clients ‘remain at all times responsible for their own well-being’.